This PUBLIC blog isn't PRIVATE?

I write on this blog every so often, just enough to keep my mind from turning to suburban-housewife-mush, and honestly, I don't think ANYONE in this entire world actually reads it. But someone did, maybe more than one, maybe a whole village ...and I was shocked! What? Someone read my private public on-line journal!? I had to laugh at how shocked I was! Am I a goof? Oh ya, you bet! But now that I have proof that someone besides myself reads these words....now the pressure is on! From now on I will have to check my spelling, my sentence structure, my use of pronouns, verbs and adjectives. I was going to post pics that involved me, a clarinet and a can of sprayable cheese......but if I want people to keep reading, I better rethink that decision!

Time to expand....my horizons...my butt I expanded a LLLLong time ago!

Well, I wrote three minutes of new material, have performed it twice in front of a live audience and each time it was met with laughter.....EXCELLENT! Now to write more, and more, and more! It is hard to get motivated sometimes. Now that the warmer weather is here, perhaps I will take my book outside and try writing while listening to the birds, while feeling a cool breeze on my face, while swatting hornets out of my hair!
Besides wanting to write some new stand-up material, I have also been working on writing a treatment for a sitcom. I started writing the sitcome outline about two years ago, and since then it has changed, been tweeked and re-written over a million times. Right now I am working on it with a dear, dear, dearest friend of mine Shelley Marshall. She is a very charasmatic lady, stunningly gorgeous woman who is one of the funniest ladies I have ever seen perform on a comedy stage. Her and I are working on a sitcom that involves life in rural Canada....the ups, the downs, the joys, the tears, the 5.4% alcoholic beer. I think it will be hilarious by the time we are done tweeking it....who knows....we may just become the next SITCOM STARS!

It's a hard game to play.

A dear friend of mine, whom I met while performing comedy, has decided NOT to take the stage anymore. This saddens me. He is a great budding talent, with a whack load of potential...but the wonderful world of comedy can be utterly and completely soul crushing. He feels he has not been getting the laughs he used to and with each punchline that was met with silence, his spark on stage diminished a wee bit more. He is trying new material and spreading his wings...and sometimes new jokes don't go as we have it all planned out in our heads. In our minds when we are rehearsing a new joke, we hear the crowd roaring with laughter which is almost drowned out by the their thunderous applause. On stage though, reality is not always played out like we have imagined. He has done very well, his new jokes are great and I love them, but he is his own worst critic. I wish I could show him what I see when he is on stage, show him the funny man that he is, show him that audiences love him.....but how? I hope and pray he doesn't quit comedy forever. He has brought laughter into so many lives....especially mine...and I want that to continue.

...........here I go!!!!

Well, here I go! I have a gig tomorrow night and am going to OPEN with three NEW CLEAN jokes! Not sure how it will go, it's a risky chance to take, but I have to take it. I will never know if the new jokes will work unless I try them! Cross your fingers and toes, say a wee prayer, light a freakin' candle...I'm diving in head first! If the new jokes work though, they will be an excellent way to open my set.....hopefully everyone is so drunk by the time I take the stage that all I have to do is fart and they will laugh! HERE'S HOPING!

*********found these FABULOUS grey dress pants at a second hand store today....going to wear them tomorrow night with a new pink top I bought...I'm feeling pretty already!

F@#$K! Why can't I think of any jokes that aren't dirty!??!!

I have been going over and over a few jokes for an upcoming gig....jokes that are clean, jokes that are wholesome....jokes that just aren't friggin' funny! I watch the comics on tv, they have no problem coming up with tight, half hour sets that have NO dirty or questionable content in them at all. So obviously it can be done, obviously it is not an impossable task....that is unless you are me! Cock! Penis! Vagina! Slut!...those are all funny words to me! Perhaps I should see a shrink. Maybe there is something very, very wrong with me. Of course....I blame my mother!

Here I sit....broken hearted....tried to write...but only farted!

I am sitting at my computer.....trying, struggling, forcing myself to write some new jokes. It ain't happening! I wish I was witty and clever and the perfect '6 minute' set would just tumble out of my brain and onto the paper....but it doesn't, it isn't, it won't. The problem is, I am trying to write a few jokes that have nothing...I repeat NOTHING, to do with sex, penis, my weight or food. I have those subject covered. I have a set on those topics. It is now time for me to write a brand new set........all that has happened thus far is that I have pulled out considerable amounts of my hair and am now wondering what I would look like with a comb-over.
To me SEX is hilarious! Nothing is funnier than a cheesy penis joke. Nothing comes easier than making fun of the opposite sex. Nothing is more natural than laughing at my own imperfections.
Okay, okay, time to buckle down...here it goes
So a dick, a vagina and a nipple walk into a bar.........

I hate waiting!

I have been waiting for over a week for a comedian to call me back.....it is driving me crazy. At the beginning of last week we literally played phone tag. My hubby gave him my email address on Thursday and the comic said he would have his girlfriend email me so I could send him some information about two upcoming gigs. I waited four days...nothing. So I called him and left a lengthy message saying that as of yet, I have not recieved an email from him so I gave him all the info and left it on his answering machine. I also told him that I needed him to call me back ASAP because I NEEDED to know if he could perform at a comedy show next Saturday...IMPORTANT FOR HIM TO TELL ME RIGHT AWAY, don't want to leave it until the last minute and then find out I am a comedian short. Still no phone call or email. I will wait one more day and then offer the gig to someone else. I am just very disappointed that he didn't call me back, didn't email me, didn't get in touch with me through friends, family or postcard. This is very rude! Very! If you don't want the gig, just let me know and I can move on! Uggggg, patience is not my strongest virtue!