Monday! Monday! Monday!

Well, back to the ol' bump and grind. I have had company for almost a week and a half...and now the house is quiet. Kids are in school, hubby is at work, company is all gone....just me, my dog, and my computer to start the morning. Last night was Wrestlemania...a major event in my house. We are rednecks and proud of it. I don't know why people call wrestling fans rednecks....but I've been called worse. I am trying out a new 'theme' for a comedy set. I have to start writing in a different direction...all my jokes now have to do with my weight, marriage, children, food and sex...I have to expand. SOOOOOOO, my friend Izzy helped me find a new topic and I think it is a great one, one that I can have a whole 'set' about.
"Don't Piss on my Redneck Parade".
Jokes that have to do with my family, our gatherings, our relatives, our photo albums. Let me tell you my family alone could inspire me to write a whole sitcom....there are definately some whacky birds sitting in my family tree. I have the premis of one joke so far.........
I love wrestling! LOVE IT! Sweaty muscular men fighting with other sweaty muscular men, both are tatooed and wearing spandex pants....I LOVE IT! I hate it though when people feel the need to tell me 'Uggggg, you do know that wrestlings fake right?". So? People have been getting enjoyment out of fake things for centuries....Pamela Anderson's boobs...FAKE! But yet they bring joy to millions of people. So don't tell me wrestlings fake...don't piss on my redneck parade!
What'd ya think? Could be a funny joke right!? I think I need another example though of something that is fake. I've been racking my brain trying to come up with a funny 'fake example' but so far nothing...I'm sure it will come though. With so many fake things out there, it is hard to just pick one!

One of the Greatest Female Comedians EVER

While searching YouTube for female comics I came across Totie Fields. Simply amazing! I am surprised I haven't heard of her before. I know she was kickin' butt on stage long before I was even reading joke books...but her name should be on the lips of all female comics as someone they should aspire to be.

Not being the best writer, I have basically just copied and pasted the following info about her...READ IT! Watch all her videos, she will make you smile, giggle and wish you had seen her live.

*******************Born Sophie Feldman in Mystic, Connecticut. Fields started singing in Boston clubs while still in high school. She took the stage name of Totie Fields. The name "Totie" was a childhood nickname, a corruption of her first name.

Fields gained fame during the 1960s and 1970s. Ed Sullivan gave Fields her first big break when he booked her on his show after seeing her perform at the Copacabana in New York. She appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show 40 times, and then later made 125 appearances on The Mike Douglas Show, and was a staple on the Merv Griffin show. In 1972, she wrote a humorous diet book titled I Think I'll Start on Monday: The Official 8 1/2 oz. Mashed Potato Diet (New York: Hawthorn Books, 1972). And, in 1978, during the last year of her life, Fields was voted "Entertainer of the Year" and "Female Comedy Star of the Year" by the American Guild of Variety Artists.

Fields was plagued with health problems the last two years of her life. In April 1976, her left leg was amputated above the knee when surgery to remove a blood clot failed. In June 1977, to the astonishment of her fans, Fields starred in the special series, Standing Room Only, on HBO beginning her show seated in a wheelchair.[2] As the audience welcomed her, she stood up, causing the cheering audience to stand with her. Said Fields: "I've waited all my life to say this... I weigh less than Elizabeth Taylor!" The Old Totie was back and the audience put at ease; if Fields could laugh at her troubles, then it was all right to laugh with her.

While still recovering from the amputation, she suffered two heart attacks. And in October 1977, Fields was diagnosed with breast cancer and her right breast was removed. Nevertheless, Fields continued to perform, incorporating her health problems into her act.[3][4]

Fields was scheduled to appear at the Sahara Hotel when she suffered a fatal heart attack in her Las Vegas home on August 2, 1978. She was buried in Las Vegas and later moved to the Mount Sinai Memorial Park Cemetery in Los Angeles to be buried next to her husband.

Totie Fields was married to George William Johnston Jr. She had two daughters, Jody and Debbie.

Why did God create hecklers?

Last night was absolutely without a doubt....HORRIBLE. I performed at a comedy show in Kingston and left wishing I hadn't. Crowd was basically made up of people no older than 22....your typical University crowd, definatley NOT my crowd. I was the last performer on which ment that by that time half the crowd had left and the remaining audience members were slobbering drunk. I have performed in front of younger crowds before and had great responses....that was not the case last night. I was HECKLED! All of the other performers that took the stage before me were also inturrupted by the same idiots, but they were able to handle them with grace, style and amazing witt....I was not.
I have not yet achieved that comfort zone on stage that allows a comedian to interact with the audience in an improv style. I will stress this point again....I CANNOT CHITTY CHATTY WITH THE AUDIENCE!
I started my set, standing in front of a sparce audience. I did my first two lines...then someone yelled "So, when are your twins due". Took me off guard for a moment, but I did not reply, I continued on with my set. The audience reaction to my material was up then down then up then down. The kinda-sorta liked me, but not really. Then, just I begin building up steam someone yells a remark about me sucking on a lot of penis's. I froze. I froze. I continued on with my performance, but by this time, I had lost the audience, they were too busy laughing at the comedic heckler. waited until the end of the show and could not leave that building fast enough.
I cried and cried and wailed and howled the entire hour and half car ride home. I felt humiliated. I felt belittled. I felt crushed. The entire ride home was filled with thoughts of "I should have said THIS" or "I should have said THAT", but alas, I didn't. Nothing witty came to mind at the precise time when I needed it.
They say that 'what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger'...to them I say "bull-puckey!" (I'll think of something clever to say AFTER this is posted!)

See....I didn't lie!

Well, I said I would try to write everyday, and so far...I HAVE! Okay, okay, I only made that promise yesterday, but still I kept my promise.

What to write about? What to write about? What is buzzing through my brain at this particular moment in time.....
*Ummmm, I am making scalloped potatoes and ham for dinner tonight.

*I am mad because the new pink sweater I am wearing already has a big blue stain on it from when I washed it with my husbands new work pants.

*My friend Shelley Marshall just got the news that she will be touring with Puppetry of the Penis....ALL ACROSS CANADA! I am extatic for her. She is an amazing performer and this gig was made for her! This year is going to be filled with amazing things for her......that is my prediction!

*Izzy and Cheyanne have gone into Ottawa to buy Chey a grade 8 graduation dress. I hope Chey doesn't pick anything too slutty...and no high heels! Too many 13 year olds sport that 'tramp' look.....hopefully she spends her teenage years being as sweet and innocent as I was! (no comment)

*I should be doing housework instead of 'cruising the internet'.

*Taking a nap with my puppy,who is asleep on the couch,sounds like a good idea.

*I wonder if I pull my underwear up higher would that make my stomache look smaller?

.........................I vow to write something of substance tomorrow.....right now, there is a spot on the couch that looks perfect for a nap!

Holy Crap Time Flies!

I cannot believe it has been almost a year since I last blogged! I have no excuse really for not blogging...not unless "life" is an excuse. I am making a mental note and promise to myself to BLOG MORE....but if my dusty exercise equipment in the basement or my expired Weight Watchers membership is any indication....chances are I will blog for a wee bit and then STOP cold turkey.

But I really need to blog. Why? Because the time has come for me to write new jokes, to write a new five minute set....and I can't. My mind is blank. I sit down with the best intentions of writing something witty and clever....and two minutes later I am playing Zuma on the computer. Time to get down to business.

So.....I will TRY to blog more, and when I do, I will be writing out new jokes and/or joke ideas.....let me know what you think, feel free to add a punchline.....just HELP ME DAMMIT!

Let the merryment begin!

I'm sad........get over it already!

Well, a few days ago I performed at Yuk-Yuk's in Ottawa. It was a fairly good sized crowd, but even though most of the seats were occupied, the whole entire row in front of the stage was empty. I really wish they would seat people at that club. It is extremely hard to connect with your audience when they are sitting so far from the stage. I was on tenth out of 14 stand-ups performing. I took the stage, started my routine, and........a few giggles here and there, for some it would have been considered a good set, for me, it was mediocre. I hate silence, so I have my routine set that there is SUPPOSE to be a giggle every 30 secons at least. There were quite a few spots that night where I know there was suppose to be a laugh at there was none. There was laughter, but not a lot. I did not "kill". I suppose I should be happy that there wasn't complete silence but I am my own worst critic. The standards I have for myself are high, and I guess that is something I must work on. I should learn to give myself a break. I did find solace though in the fact that after I left the stage I was approached by a fellow comic who routinely reviews the shows, and rather harshley, and he put his arm around me and said "I think tonight, is the first night you met an audience that was afraid to laugh at your humour. Your punchlines were there, your rythm was there, but your audience just thouht you were too edgy." I thank him for that because he is a brutally honest individual. He definately tells it like he sees it, so I know he wasn't just trying to make me feel better. I have to realize that I will come across audiences that are just not 'into' my humour, and that I will have to realize, is okay. Humour is a personal thing. Everyone has a different sense of humour and not everyone is going to like mine. Does that mean I am not funny? No. I have to remember that! As sad as it is, I just want everyone to love me! LOVE ME! It's like highschool all over again....and once again I am NOT the cool kid!

Summer's here.....ba-hum-bug!

I love my children, I honestly do....I SWEAR! But being with them 24 hours a day for 7 days a week is starting to frazzle my nerves! I am seriously thinking of taking up 'alcohol' as a hobby! They seem to be constantly bored, even though I keep giving them a long list of chores they could be doing to help pass the time, but NO that is not good enough. They want days filled with water-slides, fairs, shopping, cotton candy........hmmm actually that sounds pretty good, but alas, I work for minimum wage and cannot afford a billionaires summer vacation! Perhaps someday, someday but not today. Not even tomorrow. Probably not even this year! So for now, for this summer, my children will continue to be bored, they will continue to bicker with each other, they will continue to drive be absolutely bonkers.....but that is okay because they are growing up way to fast and I know that soon the summer will come when they are gone, out with friends, working...not with their mother. So for now, I may bitch and chew, but I wouldn't want my summer to be any other way then how it is now.....yelling, screaming, fighting__laughing, singing, hugging, sharing!