Holy Crap!!!!

Wow! Just noticed that my last posting on my blog was NOVEMBER 2010!!! Over a year ago!!! So much for my promises of being diligent in blog writing! So....with a new year about to be apon us...I vow to make 'updating my blog more often' one of my new year's resolustions. This time I promise! PROMISE!



In the meantime...here's a picture of a baby panda waving!

nothing more I can say......

This ad needs no comentary from me. It is absolutely perfect! Read each and every word.....and then if you do not have the urge to buy one of these sexy one-piecers then there is something wrong with you!!! :)

ramblings......

Happy Monday!
Not much new to write. Had two shows on the weekend....one Friday and one Saturday. The Friday show only had about 30 people...so while I didn't bomb..I didn't rock the comedic mic either. Everyone was scattered about the room, which makes it hard for them all to laugh in unison. Saturday's show was sold out...standing room only. The energy was off the charts! I brought my 16 year old daughter with me....and I had an awesome set! The look of pride on her face when people were coming up to me and thanking me for a great show....priceless! I have that image burned on the inside of my skull....and the next time she throws a "I'm 16-I don't need you-I hate you-you're dumb" fit...I will remember that night, that smile, that look!

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I can't seem to post the link to my itunes page. It is driving me completely bonkers! I love computers....but at the same time HATE THEM! They are wonderful yet evil. Easy yet frustrating!

The jist of it is...if you go to itunes.com and look for Redneck and Raunchy by Erica Scott...you should be able to find it....I was just hoping I could make the process easier and have a link where all you had to do was click on it and it would take you right to it. UGGGGG, I am beyone frustrated!

Check out itunes, check out Redneck and Raunchy, let me know what you think!
xoxo

Erica Scott

I am trying to keep up with the times! I have just put my first album on itunes. It's a recording of a set I did at the Hamilton Place Theatre. It was an awesome night.....great crowd, lots of laughs, tonnes of giggles! Below is the link to check it out!

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Here I Am!

Holy smokes it's been a while....a long, long while since I have written on my blog. I am a bad girl...a bad, bad girl!

Life is crazy busy....kids, husband, dog, house, comedy, grocery shopping....the usual. I am not complaining though. Life is good...no complaints. I mean, I could complain...I'd like to be skinnier, richer, famouser...but other than that...no complaints! :)

This weekend I am tickled pink to be a part of the Brantford Comedy Festival...my first comedy festival. Really looking forward to it! Will let you know how it goes....cross your fingers and toes and everything in between that I rock that stage harder than AC DC!

xox

The Birds of Paradise...CTV SHOULD PRODUCE THIS SHOW!

Good morning!

This mornings blog is short, sweet and simple.....just like me(except for the simple part!) I just want to encourage everyone to joing the facebook page CTV SHOULD PRODUCE THIS SHOW! The more members the merrier and the more merrier the better! It's a sitcom pitch that I wrote and am in the midst of pitching to The Comedy Network....who has called me to discuss the show...BUT..I wasn't home (OF COURSE) so we have been playing phone tag! I want to keep the Birds of Paradise fire burning in their minds...so please, please, please, join the fanpage! Show them that people want to watch a show about normal people...not rich ladies shopping in fancy stores, or people living on an island eating bugs, or police officers chasing drug dealers through the streets....people want to watch a show about a family just like theirs! Join the group, write The Comedy Network (comedypitches@ctv.ca)it only takes one person to make a difference...be that one!

Wishing you a day filled with love, laughter and chocolate!

The Birds Of Paradise

Howdy!Howdy! Howdy!

I recently wrote a pilot for a sitcom that I created "The Birds of Paradise". CTV reviewed my entry, said they liked it but didn't have the budget right now to produce it. Perhaps, they just need a little push! Join the facebook group "CTV Should Produce This Show" and send it off to as many people as you can....if we can get CTV's attention, maybe that will put a little fire in their britches!
Thanks a trillion times!
Erica


...it's always nice to share...please share this with ALL your friends!



The Birds Of Paradise

Lola Baker stomps wildly through her blue jeaned colored life filled with family, friends and chocolate. Armed with only spandex and a quick tongue, Lola is a healthy mixture of intelligence and sarcasm, ensuring that any topic is open for ridicule. Lola Bird’s life is lived at a quick pace. She is a silver-tongued mother of two, sassy wife of one, and a disheveled daycare operator, she lives life to the fullest using as little energy as possible. Her life in the small rural town of Paradise Ontario requires bundles of energy though, and much to her dismay, she finds little time to vegetate. Lola is constantly kept on her toes warding off her teenage daughters many hormonal admirers. The phone lines are constantly busy, the doorbell is always ringing and teenage scavengers are incessantly cleaning out her cupboards. Her son is the apple of her eye, but the sty on others. He has successfully wrapped her around his finger, and relies on his mother's blind-site to get him out of many sticky situations. Lola's husband Carl is the love of her life, and the biggest pain in her rump. Although he would never admit it, Carl gains pleasure from driving his wife crazy, after all it was her sarcasm and wit that he fell in love with many, many years ago.
Lola's mother, whose favorite hobby is marriage, lives not too far from her daughter and is a daily part of her life. Raising her children in the same town she grew up in, Lola's neighbors are not strangers. Her brother lives a few blocks away as does her father, her mother and her best friend Jeannie.
Lola's kitchen table is a place for family, friends and the odd stranger to gather and gossip, laugh, cry and complain. There are plenty of jokes, pranks and wit flying around the Bird house......but then again, why wouldn't there by, there lives are one big punch line!

Happy Family Day!

Today is Family Day! Why the Canadian Government would give families a day in FEBRUARY to be together is beyond me. It's the coldest month....we are all stuck in doors, we are all suffering from cabin fever, we are all FIGHTING!

Here is some info about Family Day...what it is and who celebrates it (for some crazy reason it's not nation wide).

Family Day is observed in the Canadian provinces of Alberta, Ontario and Saskatchewan on the third Monday of February. This holiday celebrates the importance of families and family life to people and their communities.

What do people do?
On Family Day, many people plan and take part in activities aimed at the whole family. These include visiting art exhibitions, watching movies, skating on outdoor ice rinks, playing board games and taking part in craft activities. Some communities plan special public events, and art galleries and museums may have reduced price or free entry.

As the weather is usually very cold in February, hot chocolate and freshly baked cookies are popular snacks. Other people use the long weekend as an opportunity for a short winter break or to travel to visit family members or friends. As Family Day falls on the same date as National Heritage Day, some people use the day to explore their personal heritage and family history.

Public life
In the provinces of Alberta, Ontario and Saskatchewan, many people have a day off work and schools are generally closed on Family Day. Many businesses and organizations are closed, but post offices may be open. Public transport services may run to their usual or reduced timetables.

In the province of Manitoba, the third Monday of February is a general holiday, known as Louis Riel Day. Many people have a day off work and school and many businesses, organizations and stores are closed. In some communities, stores are open after noon. Public transport services may run to Sunday or holiday timetables. In rural areas, there may be no services.

In the other provinces and territories of Canada, Family Day is not observed and the third Monday in February is not a holiday. Businesses, organizations, schools and post offices are open as usual and public transport services run to their normal timetables.

Background
Family Day was first held in Canada in the province of Alberta in 1990. It is supposed to reflect the values of family and home that were important to the pioneers who founded Alberta, and give workers the opportunity to spend more time with their families. Family Day was introduced in Saskatchewan in 2007 and in Ontario in 2008. One of the reasons for introducing Family Day was that there was a long period when there were no holidays from New Year's Day until Good Friday.

Holidays to celebrate families are also held in other places around the globe. In the Australian Capital Territory, the first Tuesday of November is known as Family and Community Day. In South Africa, the day after Easter Sunday is Family Day.

What's being said about Christmas

The Christmas Season is apon us! I have found a list of funny Christmas quotes to help you cope with this holiday season.

Yes, we all love the holidays...but sometimes they can make us want to scream, pull our hair out and drink WAY too much eggnog!! In order to truly enjoy this holiday season it is important for you to keep smiling and laughing....after all, the Christmas season is meant to be a time of joy.

"Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall." -Larry Wilde.

"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." -Joan Rivers.

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included." -Bernard Manning

"Christmas is a time when you get homesick - even when you're home." -Carol Nelson

"Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money." -Author Unknown

"Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present." -Author Unknown

"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." -Phyllis Diller

"There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them." -P.J. O'Rourke

"Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet." -Author Unknown

"Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ." -Bart Simpson

"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child." -Erma Bombeck

"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." -Jay Leno

"Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money." -Author Unknown

"Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year." -P.J. O'Rourke

"Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit." -Kin Hubbard

Pain in my tooth!

For the past few weeks I have been suffering from a toothache. It amazes me how something as tiny as a tooth can cause such tremendous pain. I fear that it is literally going to drive me completely bonkers. Since having a cavity filled a month ago (the filling was placed on the nerve), one of my back molars is SUPER sensitive to hot and cold. For twenty minutes after my first cup of coffee in the morning I am holding a hot water bottle up to my cheek and applying WAY too much Ambysol to my gums. I know the easiest solution to this problem would be to just simply give up my hot cup of java in the morning......this is a solution that I would NEVER consider! Asking me to go without my morning caffeine would be like asking Ellen to give up dancing, or asking my son to give up skate boarding or like asking my neighbour to smile and wave back each morning instead of scowling and grunting.....in other words....impossible! I have tried tylenol, ambysol, a hot water bottle...nothing eases or lessens the pain. So I Googled 'toothache pain remedies' and found myself chuckling over a couple of 'home remedies'.....

•Toothache relief using Onion - Latest research has confirmed the bactericidal properties of onion. If a person consumes one raw onion every day by thorough mastication(I'm not sure what that means...kind of sounds naughty!), he will be protected from host of tooth disorders. Chewing raw onion for three minutes is sufficient to kill all the germs in the mouth. Toothache is often allayed by placing a small piece of onion on the bad tooth or gum.
•Remedies for Tooth ache using Garlic - Among the most effective home remedies for toothache is garlic. A clove of garlic with a little rock salt should be placed on the affected tooth. It will relieve the pain and, sometimes, may even cure it. A clove should also be chewed daily in the morning. It will make the cure teeth making it strong and healthy.(they forgot to mention that your tooth pain will be the least of your problems....your breath will smell like the butt of a skunk....they should have also included a home remedy for halitosis with this one!)
• Keep your head up - Elevating your head can decrease the pressure in the area and may lessen throbbing pain (your neck will be killing you, but your tooth will feel better!)
I am on the 'short list' to see a specialist about a root canal (or at this point I wouldn't object to having the thing pulled!), so cross your fingers and toes that I get an appointment before Christmas....because there is NO WAY I am missing out on pie with ice-cream and hot chocolate with whipped cream!

Celebrate!!!

Did you realize that Friday was NATIONAL NACHO DAY???? Why is this not marked on my calendar? Had it not been for a friend bringing this important occasion to my attention I would have totally missed it...it just would have been another day. November 6 is now marked in permanent marker on my calendar as being National Nacho Day...a day we should all celebrate! If we all honored nachos like they so deservedly should be ....I think we would be a few steps closer to world peace. No one can eat nachos and be angry. It's the food of happiness. Melted cheese, bacon, hot peppers....all symbols of love! November 20th is National Peanut Butter Fudge Day...mark it down, take out the good china, invite the family over and CELEBRATE!

I'm glad it's just not me!

While I was browsing the infinite sites on the internet, I came across one that made me chuckle. It's a website blog that centres around how absolutely wonderfully annoying husbands (and wives) can be! It's not a negative site, every post finds humour in the things that drive us crazy about our beloved. It is a good-humoured blog that brings to light the everyday trials and tribulations that the majority of us experience.....whether it be with our husband or our wife....from everything from embarrassing habits to who takes out the trash! If you have a moment or two, check it out, you're bound to read a posting from someone who 'knows your pain'! To quote one of the fans of the site "This is great. I’m glad to see it’s possible to love someone endlessly even though they annoy the everloving crap out of you."

http://myhusbandisannoying.com/

Did you know.....

Last night at the dinner table, my family of five spent most of the meal trying to 'out wit' each other. "Did you know...." is how most of the topics of conversation were started. Interesting facts are....well, interesting! Here are some of the ones we tried to wow each other with last night!

In an average day, a four year old child will ask 437 questions.
In 1926, women were banned from competing in marathons because it was believed it caused infertility. 800m was the maximum distance a woman could "safely" run. It wasn't until 1963 the next official time was recorded for a woman.
When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
The McDonald’s at Toronto’s ‘SkyDome’ is the only McDonald’s location that sells hot dogs.
The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney.
Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries because Colgate translates into the command “go hang yourself.”
It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it.
Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
There are approx. 550 hairs in the eyebrow.
An Anteater is nearly 6 feet long, yet its mouth is only an inch wide.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
It takes about 48 hours for your body to completely digest the food from one meal.
‘Jedi’ is an official religion, with over 70,000 followers, in Australia.

Love you more than......

Sometimes we tend to let stress, worry and negative thoughts consume us. It can ruin our entire day. It can disrupt our sleep and be damaging to our relationships. We need to force ourselves to focus on the good things that are right in front of us at this very moment. Too often, we let our thoughts steal the present by thinking about the past or future. Sharing our 'happy thoughts' with others can turn a miserable day into a pleasant one.

Before my kiddies get on the school bus every morning we tell each other "Love you more than cheese!". Sound silly? Ya it does, but it brings a smile to their faces and to all those around us. My children know I LOVE CHEESE, LOVE IT and they also know I love them WAY more than that! It's our little way of bringing a smile to each others face....it's a nice way to start the day. We've expanded the "LOVE YOU MORE THAN's" to express our feelings, because each of us is different in our 'loves'.

•my son - "I love you more than ketchup on my french fries!"
•my youngest daughter - "I love you more than going to Grandma's"

•my son - "I love you more than beating the next level on my video game!"
•my oldest daughter - "I love you more than extra butter on my popcorn!"
•my husband - "I love you more than sleeping in on Saturday!"
A girlfriend and I have started doing the "LOVE YOU MORE THAN's" each and every time we email each other.

•"love you more than spandex in my jeans"
•"love you more than lipstick that stays on"
•"love you more than pantyhose that fit!"
•"love you more than having my hair shampooed at the salon"
•"love you more than my kids doing the dishes!"
I do it, they do it....and you should do it too! A smile is more beautiful than a sunset.....we share pens, flu viruses, complaints....why not a smile!

I would love to hear your "LOVE YOU MORE THAN's", let me know what they are!!

A day of rest!

I think this is the happiest Hump Day EVER for me. "Pour quoi?" you ask.....it's really quite simple...it's because of the silence. As I sit here at my computer the only sounds I hear are the clacks and clicks of the keyboard as I pound away and the gurgling of the lizard's water bowl. (Yes, we have a lizard. His (or her...can't quite tell) name is Spike and he/she lives in a terrarium that sits beside the computer. Interesting creature....but not that cuddly!) No shrieks of 'Mom!', no nose blowing, no coughing, no high pitched squeals of morning cartoons. Nothing. Spike and I are sitting here in silence enjoying each others company.



For the past two weeks my house has been turned into an infirmary. I have been administering medicines, rubbing chests and backs with Vics, boiling soup, wiping noses and taking temperatures. Every year, as soon as school starts, I can always count on my kiddies to bring home some sort of flu or cold virus. This year though thoughts of H1N1 seem to trump worries of head lice and packing a peanut-free lunch. We washed our hands, we sanitized, we coughed into our sleeves.....but the flu virus still came for a 'sleep over' at our house. Plenty of rest, medicine every 4 hours, mom's famous 'homemade chicken noodle soup right out of the can' and tonnes of snuggling on the couch...and voila.... a week and a half later we are almost, sort of, not quite back to our normal disease free selves! This is the fist day in 11 days that I am not at home nursing someone back to health. Having said that......I am off to take a glorious 4 hour nap! Taking care of my three chitlans and my hubby-licious (who, when sick, is a bigger baby than a 3 year old toddler!) has wiped me out! I am going to take advantage of this silent, empty house and curl up on the couch, sleep, and hopefully dream of being served nachos by a handsome cabana boy in some tropical far-away place!

I'm not signing up for that!

I have always been a 'big girl'. It's no secret. Whether you catch me from the front or the back there ain't no hiding it.....I'm pleasantly plump!

I have curves, rolls and cellulite dimples. After 30 years of struggling and yo-yoing with my weight I finally came to the conclusion that I am happy with myself the way I am and should stop comparing my body to those of super-models. Of course I would like to loose a few pounds, but no longer desire to be a teeny size 2.

A while back I drove past a gym and thought "why not? Exercise could be fun....it always looks fun on tv!" so I walked in with full intentions of joining. Since I had never looked into joining a gym before I had no idea what to expect. I figured I would go in there and pay a small fee and be able to begin sweating to the oldies that very same day. I probably could have started my exercise regime that very day....that's not the part of the scenario that I had problems with....it was the 'small fee' part. Jack (the super-buffed herculian that was behind the front desk) informed me that in order to become a member of 'his' gym I had to sign a YEAR long contract and PAY $1500. WHAT?

"What if I don't want to go to the gym for a year?"

"Well, Maam, you don't have to keep coming for a year, but you will have to pay for a year's membership. You still pay even if you quit."

"That's stupid."

"That's our policy maam."

"Can't I just join for, say, three months?"

"Sorry maam, we only have contracts for a year"

"That's stupid...and stop calling me maam."

"Sorry. Don't you think you owe it to yourself to make a commitment to better health?"

"All my pants are 20% jean and 80% spandex....obviously I am not that commited to weightloss. What about that sign you have outside..'Join for a month's trial for $10?' Can't I do that?"

"Oh, you saw that sign. Okay, ya, I can sign you up for a month's trial for only ten dollars"

If I had brought my inhaler I would have smacked him and run! I ended up signing a month long contract for ten dollars...figured it would be a good way for me to see if I would actually use the gym, to see if I could actually get my self into a work-out routine. That one month for ten dollars deal turned out to be the worst idea EVER! Those 30 days ended up costing me TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS AND I gained 15 pounds! They had all this fancy equipment but the only machine I knew how to use was the snack machine...and peanut butter cups in that thing cost THREE DOLLARS!

I won't be joining another gym anytime soon, perhaps I'll start a walking routine on my own, or maybe buy a yoga tape and do it in my living room, or become a vegitarian......maybe. For now...I'm quite happy in my spandex jeans....at least for today.....you never know about tomorrow though!

Do not disturb

Today is one of those lazy, wanna nap all day, why bother getting dressed, gonna microwave everyone's dinner days. The sky is grey, the rain is falling periodically and the five people that live in this house have all gone in separate directions.

There are tonnes of things I SHOULD be doing. Laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, updating photo albums, writing a new joke or two. But alas, I am doing not one single thing on my ever-growing 'to do list'. I probably should feel a wee bit guilty about that. Probably should. But I don't. Does that make me a bad person, a bad mom? Who knows? I should take the time to think about that but that would require using too much energy. I'll contemplate all that tomorrow. Maybe.

It's a peaceful day.
A lazy day.
A good day for a nap!

sometimes......

Friday.....you feel like a freakin' rock star on the comedy stage!


Saturday........ you feel like the rock star's water boy!





Comedy can be a cruel, cruel bitch!





Friday night I performed at a little country legion and, at the risk of sounding too modest, ROCKED the freakin' joint! It was amazing! I left there feeling like a comedy queen!





Tonight? I did two comedy clubs....and although I didn't bomb....I left BOTH establishments feeling 'not so funny'.

One night UP....one night DOWN!!!!!

Comedy is a cruel, cruel bitch!