to be continued....

I am off to work in a mere matter of seconds, but wanted to let you know that......I have an interesting blog to write (just can't do it right now at this particular moment). It has to do with the wonderful world of comedy (heavy on the sarcasim when reading the word 'wonderful').

What could my rant be about?
Have I been discovered?
Have I been banned from a club?
Did I pee my pants on stage?
Is it good news?
Is it bad news?

.............you have to wait and see!

time to get ready for summer!

I RARELY shave above the knee, and my hubby had the nerve to asked me to do WHAT?.............

I'm in 'slow-ass' motion....

Busy, busy last two weeks. I am drained of all my energy....my mother-in-law has been visiting for a week, so I am pretty sure she has put some sort of black witches curse on me and sucked all the energy out of my soul!

She's a wonderful woman, and if she ask's, PLEASE tell her I love her to bits and pieces! (she scares me!)

crap!

I had this wonderful blog entry written, it was really quite beautiful. I wrote about the love of my family, about how happy I am with my life right now, how I do not want to be anywhere but here....at home with my family on this Saturday night.....but I clicked the wrong button and BAM! It was deleted! I still love my family, still am happy with my life.....but computers....computers really burn my ass!

People don't like being called sluts?

Okay, so I do this joke where I say that I am a natural beauty (after making fun of my imperfections) and then proceed to say "I am a NATURAL beauty, much like some of the pretty young things here...with their NATURAL pretty faces and their NATURAL skinny bodies...it's too bad you're all whores!" May sound harsh, but it is a pretty funny line that usually brings quite a bit of laughter. BUT as the audiences in the clubs get younger and younger, the line is getting less and less laughter. Older women can find humour in a joke that states that if you are skinny...you must be a whore....BUT the younger girls take it to heart. They automatically assume that you mean it and then their claws come out!

I don't want to take the joke out of my repitoire because it leads into other jokes..so I think if I reword it, it may be all, and no feelings will be hurt.

So...this is how I will reword it. "I am a NATURAL beauty, much like the pretty young things you see in Playboy, or Vogue, or Canadian Quilter magazines......whores. (said in a deadpan voice). I think the rewording will work much better, will stop people from wanting to scratch my eyes out, and will still get a laugh.

What do you think Boober?

How about.........

What if I word the 'birthday' joke a wee bit different? Told it to a few comics on the weekend, and noone got it...so obviously it either needs re-wording, or it just ain't funny! How about.....

Birthdays for boys don't change much from year to year. Whether they are one or twenty one...whether they get a Tonka Truck or a lap dance...all they really want to do is play with the box.

Funnier?
Better?
....or just scrap the joke all together?

Joke Premise #8734

My husband is a very well endowed man. When he 'pops a tent'....it's big enough that it can sleep six!

Funny?

Joke Premise #3421

What a man wants for his birthday basically never changes. Whether he is 1 or 21, a man doesn't care what he gets for his birthday, all he really wants to do is play with the box.
(this is the part that needs to be tweaked) While a woman's present expectations get grander and grander with each birthday. When they are eight, they want sparkly nail polish....18 a necklace.....28 a diamond.......38 a diamond necklace......48 a trip to Cancun....58 a divorce....

I think the rise in gifts can be funny, just have to find the right gifts.
Hard to think today...babysitting my brother's girlfriend's two kiddies...forgot how exhausting toddlers can be. I have given them a tub full of toys...they have thrown EVERYTHING from the tub onto the floor and are demanding MORE toys...there was nothing in the tub good to play with! Then I made them lunch. Peanut butter sandwiches (they didn't like them), okay, so how about cheese and crackers and pickles (nope don't like that either, but are willing to lick all the crackers and put them back on the plate), alright, how about hotdogs (na, but we will chew on the ends of them, then throw them because we don't like them!).
I left the food on the table, with two pieces of cake...when they are hungry enough, they will eat what's there. I wonder...does Satan wear pampers?

....no time.

Today is a mixed up/running around like a chicken-with-it's-head-cut-off kind of day. No time to think, let alone come up with 'a joke for the day'. I did want to take a moment though to thank everyone for thier feedback. I LOVE IT! Letting me know what you find funny is giving me the courage to try some of these new jokes out on stage. I appreciate the comments......keep 'em coming!

........another joke attempt.

......I know I need to loose some weight, I'll admit that. My stomache has gotten so big, it is actually bigger than my ass. It feels more comfortable for me to wear my underwear backwards! It's amazing how your stomache gets rounder, and your ass gets flatter...wider but flatter. I need the extra material here! (pointing at tummy) Not here (pointing at flat ass)

Just off the top of my head.....

I have to get the 'creative juices' flowing....life is too short to sit and complain that I am not as far in my career as I would like to be.

They say that the best way to get into the comedy writing groove is to just start writing. Writing ideas, topics, thoughts, words, lyrics, questions...anything...JUST WRITE! So that is what I am going to attempt to do, write down anything, ANYTHING, then see if perhaps those thoughts will spawn new material....


*it's not just me that loves food in my family. My daughter Cassidy has a passion for food. Her and her brother are just 12 months apart. I had him on the floor changing his diaper when she waddles up, points at his tallywhacker and says "What's that?. Wanting to teach my children the proper name for their body parts I tell her "That is your brother's penis." Her eyes get big, she looks at me, a smile comes across her face "MMMMMmmmmm, I love peanuts!" Since that day, I have her convinced she has a severe peanut allergy.

*I work at a convenience/thrift store. Am amazed at how people wait all year to get their income-tax cheque and then blow it by things like a 'farting gnome' lawn ornament and Homer Simpson underwear.

*More fat can be found on my thighs than a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

*My children all had a lisp while they were little. One day, I took my two youngest out grocery shopping...Cassidy was four and Calvin was three. They were both standing on the end of the cart as I wheeled them from isle to isle. They were bickering amongst themselves, but I had successfully tunes them out...until Cassidy yelled "MY MOM IS A WHORE!" I swear it was seniors day at Foodland, because we were surrounded by a sea of white hair. MY MOM IS A WHORE! All catatarack eyes were on me, looks of shock and horror on their wrinkled old faces. "Calvin, you know my mom is a whore, I know she is a whore, dad knows she is a whore...EVERYONE KNOWS SHE IS A WHORE!" I went over and grabbed Cassidy by the arm, bent down and whispered in her ear "Cassidy darlin', please lower your voice." "BUT MOM, HE SAYS YOU'RE NOT A WHORE BUT I KNOW YOU ARE!" By this time, I thought for sure I was going to be attacked with canes and walkers. "Cassidy honey, please tell mommy what you are talking about." "Mom, Calvin says you are a HIM, but I know you are a WHORE" CLICK! I understood what she was trying to say. YES! YES! CASSIDY (I yelled it so even the smallest of hearing aids could pick up my voice) YES! I AM A HER! NOT A HIM, BUT A HERRRRR!.
I have been asked not to come back to the store on Seniors Sundays.

..........the kids will be home shortly, so I will try and do this again tomorrow. To just write random thoughts. Who knows...maybe something funny will come out of it.

........fade to black.

The phone just rang...it was my mother.
Jeannie passed away last night in her sleep.
Her fight is over.
Rest in peace Jeannie.
You were an angel here on earth...and now you are one in heaven.

Do you smell something?

Last night, I took my three kiddies to Giant Tiger (this is where I work) to pick out the outfits they will be wearing at the upcoming Giant Tiger fashion show. They performed in the fashion show last year and had a blast and were the first ones to sign up for this years event. Calvin and Cheyanne had their outfits picked out, tried on and hung back up long before Cassidy was half way through her pile...so I told the two of them to go and check out the toy section for awhile to keep them busy and more importantly OUT OF MY HAIR. About ten minutes later, Calvin comes over, a look of horror on his face.
"Mom, we have to leave now!"
Why?
"Because I thought it was only going to be a fart, but now my pants are wet!"
What?
"I thought I only had to fart, but I guess I had to poop too!"
..........we were home ten minutes later.