Just off the top of my head.....

I have to get the 'creative juices' flowing....life is too short to sit and complain that I am not as far in my career as I would like to be.

They say that the best way to get into the comedy writing groove is to just start writing. Writing ideas, topics, thoughts, words, lyrics, questions...anything...JUST WRITE! So that is what I am going to attempt to do, write down anything, ANYTHING, then see if perhaps those thoughts will spawn new material....


*it's not just me that loves food in my family. My daughter Cassidy has a passion for food. Her and her brother are just 12 months apart. I had him on the floor changing his diaper when she waddles up, points at his tallywhacker and says "What's that?. Wanting to teach my children the proper name for their body parts I tell her "That is your brother's penis." Her eyes get big, she looks at me, a smile comes across her face "MMMMMmmmmm, I love peanuts!" Since that day, I have her convinced she has a severe peanut allergy.

*I work at a convenience/thrift store. Am amazed at how people wait all year to get their income-tax cheque and then blow it by things like a 'farting gnome' lawn ornament and Homer Simpson underwear.

*More fat can be found on my thighs than a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

*My children all had a lisp while they were little. One day, I took my two youngest out grocery shopping...Cassidy was four and Calvin was three. They were both standing on the end of the cart as I wheeled them from isle to isle. They were bickering amongst themselves, but I had successfully tunes them out...until Cassidy yelled "MY MOM IS A WHORE!" I swear it was seniors day at Foodland, because we were surrounded by a sea of white hair. MY MOM IS A WHORE! All catatarack eyes were on me, looks of shock and horror on their wrinkled old faces. "Calvin, you know my mom is a whore, I know she is a whore, dad knows she is a whore...EVERYONE KNOWS SHE IS A WHORE!" I went over and grabbed Cassidy by the arm, bent down and whispered in her ear "Cassidy darlin', please lower your voice." "BUT MOM, HE SAYS YOU'RE NOT A WHORE BUT I KNOW YOU ARE!" By this time, I thought for sure I was going to be attacked with canes and walkers. "Cassidy honey, please tell mommy what you are talking about." "Mom, Calvin says you are a HIM, but I know you are a WHORE" CLICK! I understood what she was trying to say. YES! YES! CASSIDY (I yelled it so even the smallest of hearing aids could pick up my voice) YES! I AM A HER! NOT A HIM, BUT A HERRRRR!.
I have been asked not to come back to the store on Seniors Sundays.

..........the kids will be home shortly, so I will try and do this again tomorrow. To just write random thoughts. Who knows...maybe something funny will come out of it.

........fade to black.

The phone just rang...it was my mother.
Jeannie passed away last night in her sleep.
Her fight is over.
Rest in peace Jeannie.
You were an angel here on earth...and now you are one in heaven.

Do you smell something?

Last night, I took my three kiddies to Giant Tiger (this is where I work) to pick out the outfits they will be wearing at the upcoming Giant Tiger fashion show. They performed in the fashion show last year and had a blast and were the first ones to sign up for this years event. Calvin and Cheyanne had their outfits picked out, tried on and hung back up long before Cassidy was half way through her pile...so I told the two of them to go and check out the toy section for awhile to keep them busy and more importantly OUT OF MY HAIR. About ten minutes later, Calvin comes over, a look of horror on his face.
"Mom, we have to leave now!"
Why?
"Because I thought it was only going to be a fart, but now my pants are wet!"
What?
"I thought I only had to fart, but I guess I had to poop too!"
..........we were home ten minutes later.

.....still thinking, thinking, thinking.

Was thinking about the joke in the previous blog entry...what if I word it differently......
Always pads have "Have a Happy Period" written on their sticky strips. Have a happy period? Telling me to have a happy period is like blah blah blah blah blah, it ain't gonna fu#@'n happen!
Haven't thought of the blah blah part yet....but I'm working on it. But a little feedback would be nice!

Monday's give me cramps!

It is the start of a new week.....ya-freakin'-whoooo! Outside the sky is grey, rain is falling and everything seems quiet......and to complete the dullness of the day, I have cramps! Ugggg, every twenty-eight days I absolutely hate being a girl. Cramping, bloating, headaches, body aches........I think the government should rule that every twenty-eighth day, women all over the word should have a manditory, medical body massage...which of course the government should pay for. Okay, now back to reality......

Jeannie is still fighting. I have not recieved that dreadfully awaited phone call to tell me of her passing, and each time the phone rings my stomach churns just a little bit. I know it is coming....but that doesn't make it easier.

Well, today, I have made a pact with myself that I will try to do some comedy writing. I have to. I have to! I HAVE TO!! I need to get my creative juices flowing. I need to get back into the 'comedy groove'.

First though, I am going to go and take a Midol and eat three chocolate bars!

......still no rest.

Two days have passed since I wrote the last blog entry....Jeannie is still fighting. Still remaining strong. She lays in her bed, fluttering in and out of consciousness, her 50 pound skeleton motionless on the bed. She is still fighting.

Does it make me a bad person to wish she would stop, to wish she would close her eyes and rest?

It's been a long and hard fight....time to sleep....but before you go....I want to say I love you and thank you for letting me be a part of your life.

How Strong is a Woman?

My mind is whirling faster than a tornado in a trailer park. Last night I was shown how strong a woman can be. How couragious.....in two different ways, from two different women.

The fist call I recieved was from my mother...that in itself is a strange occurance. We have never been a close family, nor will we ever be, but that is something I am at peace with. The reason my mom called was to let me know that my cousin Jeannie was on her death bed, and probably wouldn't be alive to see the sunrise. Three years ago Jeannie, who is four years younger than I, was diagnosed with cancer and given six months to live. She is the mother of two young girls and the loving wife to a man she has been with for over 10 years. After recieving this news, she did not withdrawl, she did not crave pity....she fought...and she fought hard. Never once did she complain about her situation or her pain, she always wore a smile as big as her heart. The last time I saw her she was down to 86 pounds (last night as she lay in bed, her weight was recorded at 50 pounds) and even then found something positive to say "Hey Erica, look! I've finally reached my goal weight!" It is hard to look into someone's eyes and smile when you know they are dying. But Jeannie wouldn't allow a moment to pass without injecting humour into the room.

After the doctor gave her the news that she had cancer and that she only had six months to live, she made a list. A list of everything she wanted to do before leaving this earth. That made me think....what would be on my list? She is the reason I took the stand-up stage two years ago. She made me realize that life is too short for 'what-if's' and 'I should have's". She never got to see me perform...she was always to weak to be out late at the clubs. I wish she had. I honestly and truely do. I am not a great performer, I am not a natural comedy writer...but I would have like to show her what her courage had allowed me to do. All I can hope is that if she had seen me perform she would have been proud. WHEN the time comes that I am rich beyond rich because of doing comedy, I will set her girls up with some sort of college fund, do something for them....that is my promise.

Surpassing the doctors expectations gave Jeannie enough time to write letters to her children that are to be handed out to them at different stages in their lives. She also recorded videos of herself talking to them, giving them advice, and last night she was able to bring the girls to her bedside and say her final good-byes. As I type this, tears are rolling uncontrably down my face. The thought of having to say good-bye to my wee one's is unbareable. Jeannie's soul was remarkable. Her strong will helped her live two years longer, helped her face her situation head on, helped her loved one's deal with her passing. I don't care if you only attend church once a month, I don't care if you cannot recite bible verses word for word, I don't care if you worship Budda, Ala or the Good Lord Almighty....all I am asking you to do is to say a prayer for her family. Say a prayer to give them strength. Say a prayer that they will know she is always with them.

The second call I recieved last night was from my dearest friend Shelley Marshall. She is touring Cananad with Puppetry of the Penis...a comedy gig that was made for her! Last night she called to say she had recieved her very first standing ovation. 2000 people all stood up to show their appreciation for her performance. 2000 people filled the theatre and loved her. The standing ovation she recieved is well deserved. She has fought many battles, she has conquered many demons, she has struggled, worked, sweated, failed and triumphed to get to where she was last night. In an occupation that is maily dominated by men, she has risen above. In a field where the average age seems to be 25, this 43 year old woman has kicked pubesant ass. Never quitting, never waivering, her strength and confidence have made her a leader. She is not selfish in her conquest though. She is using her experiences and her knowledge of the comedy industry to help other female comics achieve success. She has taken me under her wing and helped this little country bumpkin reach the big city. I will always love her for sharing her life with me.

These two women, although their stories are completely different, show all that have had the pleasure to meet them the same thing.......strength, courage and the will to fight for what you believe you can do, are things that the rest of us have selfishly forgotten. It is easy to sit back and whine that things are not going your way...and sometimes you honestly need to do that.....but I believe everything happens for a reason....and the reason I have these two lovely souls in my life, is because they have given me strength. Strength to do better. Strength to be better.

Mother's Day is just around the corner, it is a day to show appreciation for our mothers, but EVERYDAY should be 'woman's day'. Everyday we should celebrate the achievements of the women around us. Everyday we should learn from the women who have gone before us. Everyday we should just be thankful for every day.